I don't know for sure whether Aaron understood that any of us, any of his friends, would have taken a call from him at any hour of the day or night. I don't know if he understood that wherever he was, there were people who cared about him, who admired him, who would get on a plane or a bus or on a video-call and talk to him.
Because whatever problems Aaron was facing, killing himself didn't solve them. Whatever problems Aaron was facing, they will go unsolved forever. If he was lonely, he will never again be embraced by his friends. If he was despairing of the fight, he will never again rally his comrades with brilliant strategies and leadership. If he was sorrowing, he will never again be lifted from it.
Depression strikes so many of us. I've struggled with it, been so low I couldn't see the sky, and found my way back again, though I never thought I would. Talking to people, doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, seeking out a counsellor or a Samaritan -- all of these have a chance of bringing you back from those depths. Where there's life, there's hope. Living people can change things, dead people cannot.
I'm a very moody person - but I've only experienced this level of depression once, not too long ago, and it scared the living shit outta me. I was at WisCon, one of my favorite places to be, and I could act fairly normal, but felt just horrible. My Lizard Brain had the sense to corner an older friend, someone who's been through a lot, given good advice in the past, and is a bit talismanic to me. Cory's right: Talking to people, which is suddenly the hardest thing in the world, becomes the thing that saves you.
I hope you never experience this sort of depression; but if you do, I hope these words can help you or someone dear to you.
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But thanks, always, for all the hugs. Back atcha.
I went into the psych hospital once, but never got as far as acting out the actual attempt. My colleagues killing themselves affects me a lot now.
I did a whole "Sound & Spirit" show called SURVIVING SURVIVAL
http://www.wgbh.org/programs/Sound--Spi
I didn't talk about suicide in there, but I probably should have.
I didn't know Aaron. I know a lot of people who did. That part of the social web... we've lost a lot of people to suicide. I can't really describe the grief and the rage. And I'm a little frightened, because some of my close friends are so close to being consumed by bitterness already.
Once, when I was living on a housebarge, a 15 year old girl jumped of the bridge I lived next to, and died essentially in my driveway. You can only wonder at whether the world might have been different if you had been walking on the bridge just then. Or maybe, next time.
In depression, one's world becomes very small, one's despair total. That's why Cory's line about taking a call any hour made me tear up - because of course it's true - and you may even know it the rest of the time - but when you're in the grip of what Winston Churchill called "the black dog that follows me everywhere," it's not easy to see. Humorist Art Buchwald also wrote very movingly about it.
What Cory writes about, yeah, that's exactly how I felt, but I was lucky that one of the local hospitals has a psych. emergency room (also called Acute Psychiatric Services). They've become more common, and I suggest to everyone to see if something similar's offered where they live.
I also have really good, understanding friends.
Edited at 2013-01-14 08:43 pm (UTC)